A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
