Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
