Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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