My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
