put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
