He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
