Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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