you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
