i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
