the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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