my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
