If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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