I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dear god my vagina.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
