Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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