So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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