Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
