Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
