i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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