I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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