So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
