Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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