Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
