kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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