Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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