hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
