also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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