I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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