I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
