im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
