I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
