I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
