the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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