Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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