Just fell off a train. Bad.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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