I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He shit in the fireplace
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
