My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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