my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
