Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
worst night to have a conscience
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
