I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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