my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
