walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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