i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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