You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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