If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
