It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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