Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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