we made out on top of his cat.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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