I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
