Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
