All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
