i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
