dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
