i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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