so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude. I can hear the air.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
