mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
