You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
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If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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