Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
