he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i've created a new STD.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
