So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
