RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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