Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Enjoy the penises
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
